Thursday, April 30, 2009

Accept who you are...

I am not a bubbly happy, cheery girly girl. Enough said. I need to do a few random rants to get this off my chest.
  • People annoy me, stupidity irritates me, and stupid people piss me off.
  • I really have no love for this place I spend all of my time at. I really really don't.
  • It has taken me 2 hours to do one thing today, and I am not even finished!!
  • I am craving a change or else I think I am going to go off on the next stupid person who crosses my path.
  • I am in awe of my last co-worker. She had the balls to leave and I wish I could as well. Oh, but the mortgage, the car payment, and the school tuition keep me latched in.
  • I might not even post this but then again, who the hell really cares.
  • I was once a damn good writer, when did I start using bullet points? When did I start not being able to write compelling items and instead landed in suburbia, monotonous hell where nothing happens and I can't articulate my opinions.
  • I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The rain last night scared the crap out of me and kept me awake for an hour.
  • I should really start running again to release some of this tension and lose some of the weight I am putting on, but I would rather drink and be catty.
  • I am so glad I am "working" from home tomorrow. But before I can enjoy I have to clean up the cesspool that is my office at home. The carpet cleaners are coming tomorrow and need to be able to get in there. I don't expect The Boy to help. I should have done it last night but I have issues with him sitting watching TV while I am cleaning. Feels a little too domestic for me, even if it is my mess. If he was working, then it would be OK, but damn it, I am not going to clean around him while he sits there.
  • And the honeymoon is apparently over. I cooked dinner last night (complete with dessert!) and there was a time he cleaned the kitchen after I cooked. Nope not last night, set his ass on the couch and left it. It was there this morning when I left for work at 6:30 while he was still snoozing in bed. So I get to clean it when I get home.
  • Tonight, I have to leave the pit stop to hell at right at 5 (would like to leave earlier but no it probably won't happen). Then drive home to get ready for dinner out tonight. Go to dinner for The Boy's birthday where I will eat to my hearts content and have a massive coronary at the table when I see the bill. Then recover and go home to clean the house all night.
  • I better stop ranting right now, even though I am on a roll.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Rain Rain Go Away!

I called it!! I knew it was going to rain and interrupt my weekly gossip/walk. At 6 pm sharp it started raining here. I love The Boy but I need some girl time!! I always feel 100 times better after just an hour of unwinding.

But it was probably a blessing. I need to get the office and the guest bedroom cleaned up. On Friday I am getting the carpets cleaned so I really want to get it done now as opposed to having to wake up early on Friday to get it done. Yea, that's right, I am "working" from home on Friday. More like I will be checking email once a hour and spending the rest of the time working on my prep for my final and working on my ticket to better and brighter.

Tomorrow is the birthday dinner, Saturday is The Boy's day for his actual birthday. So I am worried about the WW points but, I am sure I can do good but it will be a chore. But, I lost 2 pounds this week!! All I ask this week is that I can maintain.

Off to cook the dinner that I wanted last night. Tonight I want soup but oh well, the craving will pass.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What about me??

I think I am overly sensitive lately. Maybe it is just the time of the month, or the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Last night's dinner with the family was complete crap. I had saved my points because I knew we were going to Pappadueax. I really enjoy their greek salad so I was going to splurge on that and then have a piece of blackened mahi with green beans. The waiter completely forgot the salad. Then the fish and the green beans came SOAKED in butter. Even if I wasn't on WW I probably wouldn't have eaten it. Have you ever eaten something with so much butter that you felt greasy afterwards. Yea, it was that much butter. Don't let term "naked fish" fool ya. This thing had so much fat on it that it would have survived all winter. So I ended up not eating last night. I actually came home and had points I tried to eat up. I didn't succeed because it was so late. All of this made me cry.

Tonight, I stupidly failed to read a recipe and threw my porkchops in to marinade BEFORE realizing it was an 8 hour marinade. I really wanted to try this recipe as written so I will cook them tomorrow. I told The Boy and he said we can just eat the shrimp leftovers (so good they deserve their own post). I was like, great that is enough for you so I guess I will try to find something in the house to eat my 13 points left for the day...AGAIN. Thanks.

Maybe I am just sensitive about food. Or the fact that I have been working7-5:30 every day WITHOUT a lunch break or even going out side and I am freaking tired of it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Rare at work post

This place feel really strange right now. Everyone is biting everyone else's heads off. People are being mean and rude. Me being an ultra-sensitive person to this stuff, I am feeling like it is all directed towards me and I am starting to internalize it. I know it isn't pointed to me but I am starting to feel it and acting pissed off too.

For that reason, I think I am going to lock myself in my office and just do my work and keep my head down.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Confessions of a Kitchen Control Freak

I am currently watching Grey's Anatomy watching The Boy cook me dinner. It is VERY hard to watch so I left the kitchen and I am sitting patiently on the couch for him to say it is ready. I don't have the heart to tell him that I am probably going to go over points on this meal. Nothing was really measured and I saw ingredients that were added last minute that are not in the plan and NOT WW friendly.

It is really hard to watch someone else cook in my kitchen. I have been cooking all my life. I remember cooking myself lunch during the summers (BBQ hotdogs) and acting like I was on a cooking show. This was before the days of The Food Network so I always cooked lunch during the Cajun guy cooking on PBS. Point is, that I can't remember not cooking so it is strange to watch people who have never cooked try to cook. I find myself commenting on knife skills, organization, and just general things.

All in all though (morning after now) the meal was good. Pepper was forgotten but it was easily added. It was good!! I am so happy and grateful for him in my life. And I am glad he did the dishes too!!! ;)

Domestic Bliss

The Boy is back in town and it is domestic bliss around the house. We are doing all those things I took for granted and now miss so much when we are not together. The most amazing thing is that we are cooking together and not killing each other (I tend to be a little crazed about people cooking in MY kitchen) AND we are following my WW so I am not gaining like so often happens when we are together. I am sure we will go out for the sinful meals while he is here (already have reservations for Five Sixty and plans for dinner with the 'rents soon as well) but we are really trying to keep this visit in budget and still diet friendly.

Last night was Seared Scallops with Roasted Tomatoes. It was actually, pretty easy and really didn't need a recipe. I mean, how hard it is to season up some scallops and throw them in the skillet. I did roast the tomatoes but used spinach fettuccine instead of the regular pasta in this. I got the idea to use it from a recipe I had seen in my WW cookbook and that I had had over at Chrystal's house a month or so ago.

Tonight, I am getting spoiled and cooked for. :) He also made sure it followed my points for the most part which was the sweetest thing to me. The goat cheese creamed spinach (oh it is divine!) is as many points as the main meal but I was able to plan for it. Thank goodness for 2 point WW Chicken Santa Fe frozen dinners and salad!!

Friday it will be Baked Shrimp in Tomato Feta Sauce. If you can't tell we both love seafood and I am a certified cheese freak. I have the cheese drawer in the fridge to prove it. That with a salad and a movie at the house will be my idea of the perfect night.

Ok, when did the food hijack this post? There is so much more going on but I am in the smiling-all-is-right-with-the-world mood.

The demise of F2T2 is on my mind as well and I am just excited about what is happening on that front. Sure, it will yet again mean more work for me but I can finally get a proper replacement. But that is another post for another day....back to work!!!


Monday, April 20, 2009

Last minute prep

Monday was a Monday. I am in a funk that I must get out of before tomorrow or else The Boy is not going to enjoy being around me tomorrow. I should be happy he is coming into town but I feel like I have so much to do that I can't enjoy.

I have got to get my kitchen back closer to this tonight.



Then I need to wash clothes tomorrow and straighten up the bedroom and living room. Oh I feel that it is never going to get done....again. Right now I just want to cry because it seems so overwhelming.

Also, it seems that one of my old friends from college is ending the journey with her precious daughter and that just makes my heart break for her. I wrote a post earlier about her and I have been reading her Caring Bridge site. I really don't know what to say.

It appears that my crazy week last week has carried over to this week. I can't seem to sleep past 5:15 AM. I was at work at 7:15 this morning and worked till 5:30. Tomorrow I am probably going to do the same thing and then leave a little early (like I said I would tonight).

Oh well!! Such is life. It will all work out like it is supposed to. I just wish I knew what that was.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I should be asleep

So much has happened this week!!

I spent 3 days on the road with the guys from the office. I reminded me of high school and being one of the guys. I got sick of it pretty fast. I am not sure if it was because I was tired of hearing the guy jokes, tired of telling people what to do, tired of being the responsible party, or just plain tired. Sleep was rare. I got home on Wednesday night at about 9 and went straight to bed.

This morning I was up and at the dentist at 7am. I haven't been to the dentist in 4 years. I know, bad me. I am paying for it now. Yep, I have cavities. And insurance only covers a portion of it. Oh well, who needs furniture.

I have a little bit of schoolwork to do, a house to clean, a night out with friends on Saturday night, a boyfriend coming down to see me in 4 days, and my first ever get together at my house to plan ( I also have to do some home maintenance before I can do this). It's going to be a busy two weeks, let me tell you!!

I have so much more to post. I might post in the morning about the newest adventures of F2T2 (The Boy's new name for one of my co-workers)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

I hope Easter was good for all.

It was a good day for me all in all. It had it's up and downs as all days do. I wish that my my family was more into Easter but it is what happens. It will be something I put a little more emphasis on when I have a family.

I should be in bed and sleeping right now but I can't. I have to be up and AT work by 6:15 or so tomorrow. I have the first of 3 big events this week. I am not looking forward to this week and being stuck with people from work for 3 days and a lot of that in a car with them. I will be amazed if I can get through these next few days without a crying spell or three. I did bring my workout clothes so maybe I can work out some of this stress I know I will be feeling.

Off to bed to try and get some sleep.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Case Study procrastination

Murphy has stuck this house...again.

I have a case study to start and finish today and an BBS post to do. I have just finished two tests so I am halfway done.

I woke up this morning to my smoke detector chirping every 5 minutes. It seems the battery is going dead. Great, now I really need to get cracking on these papers but I am going to have to get up, get cleaned up and dressed and go get batteries and replace all of them in the smoke detectors so make this thing shut up. I can not write like this!!!

Folks, I have 12-15 foot ceilings in this whole house so this is not s simple job. I am going to have to drag out my huge ladder (have I ever mentioned I am scared of ladders) and change every one of these. I figure I might as well get new air filters and change those as well since I will be up there. I really don't have time for this today! (but I did have time to blog about it!)

I am thinking I am going to get cleaned up and then head over to Starbucks and work on this paper a little there then run across the street to Lowes and get what I need. Come back do home maintenance and then finish the papers.

Wish me luck!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Gotta end on a happy note!

After that post I had to end on a happy note. The Boy will be here in 10 days and will be here for 2 weeks!!! I am excited and can't wait to see him!

Birthday dinner at Five-Sixty, present to purchase, special event to plan. I am so excited to be spending his birthday with him We had just started dating on his birthday last year so we just went to dinner. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have been able to celebrate a day like this a second time! Since we really didn't do much for our 1 year anniversary, this is the first celebrations we are doing so it feels special.

Acceptance

I started this post completely different but I noticed where it was going and I think I have made a decision to just let it out and not try to hide it all anymore.

I have some serious self image issues. I hear people make jokes and I think they are making fun of me. I feel ugly all the time and I think I a look like beached whale. When I was 20 I was 115 pounds and a size zero. Today I am considerably bigger than that (close to 2 but a few lighter), I am a 38G, finding clothes that fit is a next to impossible feat. I barely have time do do my everyday responsibility let alone go do the killer task of trying to find clothes that fit me. So I end up wearing tshirts and jeans to work. I am allowed but I haven't dressed professional for work in almost 3 years and I really miss it.

I go through periods where I am really good at my diet (WW) and lose a little (never more than 4 pounds), then I gain it all back. I know I could always do better but I also know that there are other issues going on. Right now, I have anovulation. My Dr. doesn't know why yet but I can tell you that I will never joke again about not wanting my period. It makes me feel unattractive, like I am not really a woman just an IT. I just feel awful!! The anovulation and the stress are also causing my face to break out like I am in high school again.

All of these issues and when people start laughing and whispering around me I can't help but think they are making fun of me. I think the people who work for me and with me are laughing at me and thinking I am just some fat cow. The Boy also gets the brunt of this as well because I won't take pictures of us together because I look so icky in my mind. Also, if I get up on the morning and get upset at how I look in the morning, he is the one who lets me cry and tells me that I look OK. More than once he has let me cancel plans because I feel so ugly that I won't want to go out in public.

I am working every day just to accept myself. I know I am loved and that God wouldn't give me these hurdles if he didn't think I could handle them but sometimes I wonder how strong I can be and for how much longer.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

HIghlight Reel Part 2

Sunday...

I woke up in a funk on Sunday and we decided to just have a normal day. We went to lunch, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, Best Buy and then to the grocery store to get some last minute things. Then we went back to the house and spend the night making sushi and watching movies. It was the best day and cheered me up.





Monday..
On Monday we finally hit DC and did the American History museum. The Boy was a trooper and really went above and beyond to handle my obsession with all things history. We enjoyed the day there and then walked to the Reflecting pool and then to the Jefferson memorial. It ended up being cold that day so I was really glad I packed a heavy sweater. I got to see the cherry blossoms finally and it was so pretty. I just wish that is wasn't an overcast day. But it was still good. I loved just walking around and seeing what there was to see. I wish I could have explored more but I know I will get more chances.

This trip really got me thinking about what I want to do with my life. Dreams I had 18 years ago that I had long given up on have started to come back. Dreams that I wasn't even thinking of anymore starting to surface and now I think I really want them. Oh I love dreams.


Please stop smoking

I can not believe how smokey it is outside! I let the office and I couldn't breathe when I walked out. Everything was hazy and icky outside. An my clothes smell like smoke, yuck! I also can't stop coughing.

Let's see, what is new in my world. The Boy has decided to come down in a little over a week and a half! I am not even going to have a chance to miss him. I am really struggling with this being apart thing. I know that if I didn't have the house I would be moving after this semester. That is how much I miss him and how bad I want to live up there with him. But the adult planner in me can not move without a job, knows that right now I can't sell the house, knows it is too soon to think about that with school still taking up all my time. BUT, that doesn't mean I don't have a few ideas on making this change if I want.

I hate keeping things to myself and speaking in code ,but at this point I can't really say what I am working on because I just can't risk it. However, I can say that I realized what makes me bitchy and rude and mean. I know now how I act due to letting things get to me that shouldn't. I have learned I don't like Payton Place. I am working on changing these things and if these changes lead me to The Boy then so be it.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Back to reality

I left one of my favorite places and my favorite person to come back to the hell hole we call the office. I have never been so close to saying forget it and moving up there. However, I have the house and can't just pack up. That is the one thing keeping me from moving some days. Without the house I would have packed up, quit the job and moved without a blink of the eye. Literally, I have the plan but the only thing stopping me is the house. I am not quite ready to either sell it or rent it out.

Ok, but on to the highlight reel from the trip.

Thursday - I ended up paying to get a guaranteed standby on an earlier flight and I was SO happy I did that; money well spent. We ran a few errands and went to have Italian food because crazy here started craving spaghetti and meatballs.

Friday - We went to the Air and Space Udvar-Hazy Center which I had never been too. It is actually really close to The Boy's apartment so it was easy to go to and spend a half a day (yea, we slept in on Friday). I had never been and as someone who is interested in planes it was fun to see all of the planes shoved in this building. the Concord, the SR-71, the Space shuttle Enterprise (not the Star Trek one!). It was a good afternoon.


On Friday night, I was suprised with a date night at a cooking school! It was so much fun cooking together and watching him learn how to do things and take chances. It was an amazing night with good food and even better company. Then we went back to the house and played video games.

Saturday - We had grand plans of going to DC and doing more museums and walking around. Yea, Cherry Blossom run and Festival, not a good idea. The Metro was PACKED when we got to it so we decided to hold off and find something else to do. We ended up at Mt. Vernon. We have started this thing about seeing old houses and what better place to go. We got in line at the house and ended up waiting over an hour to see inside. It was crowded but well worth it. We sat out on the back lawn after the house and just relaxed, then walked through all the gardens. We went to one of The Boy's standby places for lunch and then crazy got another craving and I went and had a burger at 5 Guys. Best way to describe it is a take on Mooyah. It was really good. Then grocery store and home to watch movies and enjoy a peaceful night.

To be continued......

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Talk is good

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I have kept in all that I was feeling and after a nice little blow up last night and this morning, we are better. We being The Boy and I. I got really discouraged and upset and had a lot going on in my mind. I wasn't ready to open up until today with him.

I have gone through a lot of things lately and had a feeling of a hole in my life. I think I figured it out but I need a little more time to get right with it so to speak and to be able to defend what I am thinking. Once I figure it all out, I will have a thank you to give to few people.

Right now, I am just trying to get right with a few people. I swallowed my pride and apologized to someone I was rude to and that didn't deserve it. I have a few more I need to apologize to as well. I also need to let it roll off my back when people use me as the subject of their jokes or are critical of me. I am around people who make fun of me in front of me, who talk about me behind my back and I need to learn to not think about it and not feel anger about it. Oh I know this will be a life long quest but I can do it.