Friday, April 10, 2009

Acceptance

I started this post completely different but I noticed where it was going and I think I have made a decision to just let it out and not try to hide it all anymore.

I have some serious self image issues. I hear people make jokes and I think they are making fun of me. I feel ugly all the time and I think I a look like beached whale. When I was 20 I was 115 pounds and a size zero. Today I am considerably bigger than that (close to 2 but a few lighter), I am a 38G, finding clothes that fit is a next to impossible feat. I barely have time do do my everyday responsibility let alone go do the killer task of trying to find clothes that fit me. So I end up wearing tshirts and jeans to work. I am allowed but I haven't dressed professional for work in almost 3 years and I really miss it.

I go through periods where I am really good at my diet (WW) and lose a little (never more than 4 pounds), then I gain it all back. I know I could always do better but I also know that there are other issues going on. Right now, I have anovulation. My Dr. doesn't know why yet but I can tell you that I will never joke again about not wanting my period. It makes me feel unattractive, like I am not really a woman just an IT. I just feel awful!! The anovulation and the stress are also causing my face to break out like I am in high school again.

All of these issues and when people start laughing and whispering around me I can't help but think they are making fun of me. I think the people who work for me and with me are laughing at me and thinking I am just some fat cow. The Boy also gets the brunt of this as well because I won't take pictures of us together because I look so icky in my mind. Also, if I get up on the morning and get upset at how I look in the morning, he is the one who lets me cry and tells me that I look OK. More than once he has let me cancel plans because I feel so ugly that I won't want to go out in public.

I am working every day just to accept myself. I know I am loved and that God wouldn't give me these hurdles if he didn't think I could handle them but sometimes I wonder how strong I can be and for how much longer.

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