Sunday, June 28, 2009

MIA no more

Not sure if I will stay around but for right now I am back from MIA status.

It has been an awful month to say the least. I am in the middle of a BIG funk. This post will probably be a reflection of how my brain is.

1. My grandmother is dying. I know that is kind of harsh and blunt but I don't know to say it any other way. She got diagnosed with liver cancer and it was worse that they originally thought. They are putting her time in weeks. While we hope that the doctors at another hospital can say something else, everyone is preparing for the worst. I am not very close to my grandmother and the reasons behind that have been playing out in my head. I feel like a bad granddaughter and I should let go of some of the resentment but it is very hard. I do love her but I have detachment from this all. That hurts me and is eating at me.

2. Work is sucking pretty bad at the moment. Anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a control issue...meaning I like to be in control. After being a critical component of the sale of our organization, I feel like I am being pushed to the background. In a way, it feels like I am being demoted. I know that better things are coming but it is hard on me. Add in the new level of office politics that the new people are bringing in and new players who are fast losing my respect and I just dread work. I am also VERY swamped at work and I feel I can not be on my game and productive when I am running around trying to keep my head above water in all I have to do. I cry daily behind my door.

3. I had a great time out last night with one of my oldest friends. It is a rare night that I leave the house and it was great being able to catch up with someone who had known me my whole life and who has always gotten me. We were leaving the restaurant and I narrowly missed running into someone I would rather not see with someone I have never met but have no interest in meeting. I know...vague. How do I know I narrowly missed it? I saw something I hadn't seen in a long time that I remember a lot of good memories of. Very few of these are around so it wasn't hard to figure it out. Even if it wasn't what I thought, it made me remember that most of the time I am ALONE. It made me remember some really fun times.

4. This issue again, brought up a reoccurring thing that I can't shake. I have a boyfriend who is 1300 miles away. Who has no plans on moving back. My common sense tells me that it is more economical for me to stay here. I am the one with the house in a state that has a lower cost of living. I am the one with family here and he is there with just friends. I even threw up my hands and said I would move but I don't feel like it is what I can do. My job, no matter how much it drives me crazy at the moment, has a great growth potential. I miss being able to go out on dates with The Boy, being able to do things together, being able to share our lives. He has his friends, I have my friends. We don't mix. He also really embarrassed me the first time he met my friends and I hate to say it but I am hesitant to bring him back around them. He doesn't seem to understand why I put an emphasis on what my friends thing and I am not sure I do either but I do. Maybe it would be nice to meet new friends together, but we can't given our living situation. I see pictures of him with his friends and it kills me he has this whole other world I know nothing about. I also seem to have to always choose between the two. My life is very segregated.

5. He sees this as still not something permanent I think. He spends time with my family but yet, never mentions me meeting his family. He told me why once and I don't even want to say what it was. I do love him, but sometimes I get frustrated...I have been getting frustrated ALOT.

6. I need a vacation. I also need to learn to let go.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Productive Weekend

Life is getting back to normal around the house. There is still a huge void around the house. Buster (my other cat) hasn't left my side all weekend when I have been home. I am a little concerned with how she will react tomorrow when I go to work. I am still tearing up a little when I think of her and I am sure I will always feel that missing part of me. I know that is part of life and death and comes with living and losing those that you love; regardless of if they are human or our animal companions.

I did break my spending stop a little on Friday, but I figured I needed a little pick me up. I ended up splurging on a few things at the grocery store when I went after work. I never go to the store without a list but this time I just wanted to go and get whatever looked good. It was really relaxing just to be able to hang out somewhere and not feel like I had to rush home to check on the cats. Later that night, my mom came up and brought Buster home. She ended up spending the night which was nice.

Saturday, we straightened up the house, went to lunch, went window shopping, and went to go see Up. Came back home and she left and I relaxed and cooked dinner. Today, I didn't even step foot out of the house. I spent the day doing laundry, watching TV, and studying. It was exactly what I needed.

This week promises to be a crazy week. Work is going to be a test of my nerves and I am so far behind on school because of the events of last week. I have 3 quizzes and 2 case studies due by Tuesday night. I should be working on them now but I am so tired I think I will go to bed and then work on it during lunch tomorrow at work and tomorrow night. If I can do 2 quizzes and a case study tomorrow then that leaves a quiz and a case study on Tuesday. Maybe I will do one of the quizzes at lunch tomorrow and then I will have 2 quizzes and 1 case study each night.

Off to bed for me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Today's Task

For the last month or so, my life has been run by a little 6 pound cat named Annie. She and I have a long past. I found her when she was 3 weeks old in our dog house and took her in. She was close to death's door when we found her but I nursed her and her sister back to health and she was my companion throughout some of the craziest years in my life.

She saw me through first love, marriage, divorce, graduation, start of school and numerous new jobs, new houses, new friends, new love. Many nights when I cried she was the one who came running to comfort me and allowed me to cry on her. She was the one who would look at me with big eyes and just be happy to have me there to see when it seemed no one else was there for me. In many ways she was my rock. She truly lived life to make me happy.

So today, was the end of our lives together and was the day I had dreaded since I realized she was going to pass one day. For the past month, she has had feline asthma and medicines worked at first but gradually they stopped doing what they were there for. In the final days she would lay on the floor and show no interest in anything and save up her strength to come see me a few times a day and check on me. She stopped eating last night and I saw in her eyes that she was tired and hurting. I was up most of the night being the one to comfort her and tell her that it was going to be OK and that she didn't need to be strong for me anymore and that I would make her feel better.

This rainy morning, we went to the vet and with the vet's opinion being what I already knew was needed, we decided to let my baby be at peace. For the first time since this started I was able to hold her in my lap and pet her and see her relax. She fell asleep and then we did what had to be done. I don't think in the end there was a dry eye in the room. Even the manly vet tech was weeping. I wanted to go hug him and tell him thank you and it would be OK. I was able to hold her for the whole thing and comfort her and tell her how much I loved her and thank her for the years she had given me and how much joy she brought to my life. I know, she is finally out of pain and at peace. I know that the tears I cry as I write this and as I go about my day today are pure selfishness of wanting to cuddle with her one more time and wanting to hold her and hear her voice once more. I love you sweet girl.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Really do I need to know this???


I had to put that there because some of my Facebook friends cross over and are blog readers and might have a difference of opinion....but my blog, my opinion, deal with it.

There is currently a person's status update that is having a little comment fest. It is about birth control and a few of the various forms. Come on people!!! I don't need to know what type of measures you people take to stop little spawns from happening. And I am really sure your male friends love hearing about that, especially the part about your husband's procedure.

Folks, somethings are just WAY to personal for Facebook.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The great search of 2009-2010

Well, hard talks were had, tears were shed, emotions were all over the place, but decisions were made and talks that needed to happen were had.

The outcome? It's all good. We have more of a plan on where we are going and what we need to do to get there. I am still not sure that I am 100% on board with what it means for me and my future but at this point, it makes sense. We both have good jobs. I have one that has a great growth potential. However, I was not sure even before I wanted the path this job set me on. My great goal of this job was reached and the reward should be coming to me shortly. I am not sure I want to stick around for the 2nd chapter. I was going to wait until I graduated in December of 2010 before I made any decisions but I really don't want to wait that long to be back with The Boy and I am not sure I can handle where I am professionally for that long. I know I should be lucky to have a job right now and I am but sometimes you get a calling to do something better with your life and I am going to listen to that calling and try to do something worthhile and work towards it.

I know I am going really deep and not saying too much that anyone but I will understand but it always helps to get it all out.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Is this normal?

I need furniture. I admit that the old college hand me down stuff is about to fall apart and I need to adult up my house a little. I know this and accept it.

What I do not accept however, is the cost it takes to get there. I can't see putting stuff on credit. I am a cash and carry type of girl. I also hate having stuff that everyone has. I definitely have a unique style. Because of this, I look at different places to get furniture.

I am not opposed to refinishing something, having to clean something, paint something or even re-cover some chairs to get what I want. I look at consignment shops, second hand, and places like that. I do this up to a point.

I have never been able to get up the nerve to buy a used lounging chair or couch. I have issues with my butt touching where someone else's butt has been. I like to curl up and snuggle into a couch and I can't knowing that someone else did and that someone might have been a fat, smelling, farting slob who did god knows what on that couch or in that chair.

So I think I have made up my mind that I can look for the hard stuff and the occasional occasional chair second hand, I can not go for a couch or comfy stuff second hand. That is of course unless it is practically new....or owned previously owned by one of these two fine people. :)

(Yes, you know I had to stick that in)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Booksmarks and Starred items

I have caught myself just bookmarking cute things I want to buy or things that would make great gifts for people. I bookmark and star items that I find interesting in terms of decorating and clothing. It is getting out of hand.

I think this weekend, in between all the amazingly interesting managerial accounting I will be learning, I am going to go ahead and start going through these things and either putting them in a more logical order and/or make some inspiration boards out of them. I might just post them to this rarely visited blog for a reference for myself and anyone else that might happen upon it.

work break

I am swamped at work so of course I take a break to blog!

I put myself on a 30 day spending break this month. It was going great until Rue Lala cancelled my shoe order from last month. Now I really want to go shoe shopping since I am only expecting a boring accounting book at my door step. No excitement to see the box with the shoes in it anymore. I have been dreaming of those shoes. :( I am trying to justify getting them somewhere else but I just can't do it.

These tough life choices I have. :)