Sunday, June 28, 2009

MIA no more

Not sure if I will stay around but for right now I am back from MIA status.

It has been an awful month to say the least. I am in the middle of a BIG funk. This post will probably be a reflection of how my brain is.

1. My grandmother is dying. I know that is kind of harsh and blunt but I don't know to say it any other way. She got diagnosed with liver cancer and it was worse that they originally thought. They are putting her time in weeks. While we hope that the doctors at another hospital can say something else, everyone is preparing for the worst. I am not very close to my grandmother and the reasons behind that have been playing out in my head. I feel like a bad granddaughter and I should let go of some of the resentment but it is very hard. I do love her but I have detachment from this all. That hurts me and is eating at me.

2. Work is sucking pretty bad at the moment. Anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a control issue...meaning I like to be in control. After being a critical component of the sale of our organization, I feel like I am being pushed to the background. In a way, it feels like I am being demoted. I know that better things are coming but it is hard on me. Add in the new level of office politics that the new people are bringing in and new players who are fast losing my respect and I just dread work. I am also VERY swamped at work and I feel I can not be on my game and productive when I am running around trying to keep my head above water in all I have to do. I cry daily behind my door.

3. I had a great time out last night with one of my oldest friends. It is a rare night that I leave the house and it was great being able to catch up with someone who had known me my whole life and who has always gotten me. We were leaving the restaurant and I narrowly missed running into someone I would rather not see with someone I have never met but have no interest in meeting. I know...vague. How do I know I narrowly missed it? I saw something I hadn't seen in a long time that I remember a lot of good memories of. Very few of these are around so it wasn't hard to figure it out. Even if it wasn't what I thought, it made me remember that most of the time I am ALONE. It made me remember some really fun times.

4. This issue again, brought up a reoccurring thing that I can't shake. I have a boyfriend who is 1300 miles away. Who has no plans on moving back. My common sense tells me that it is more economical for me to stay here. I am the one with the house in a state that has a lower cost of living. I am the one with family here and he is there with just friends. I even threw up my hands and said I would move but I don't feel like it is what I can do. My job, no matter how much it drives me crazy at the moment, has a great growth potential. I miss being able to go out on dates with The Boy, being able to do things together, being able to share our lives. He has his friends, I have my friends. We don't mix. He also really embarrassed me the first time he met my friends and I hate to say it but I am hesitant to bring him back around them. He doesn't seem to understand why I put an emphasis on what my friends thing and I am not sure I do either but I do. Maybe it would be nice to meet new friends together, but we can't given our living situation. I see pictures of him with his friends and it kills me he has this whole other world I know nothing about. I also seem to have to always choose between the two. My life is very segregated.

5. He sees this as still not something permanent I think. He spends time with my family but yet, never mentions me meeting his family. He told me why once and I don't even want to say what it was. I do love him, but sometimes I get frustrated...I have been getting frustrated ALOT.

6. I need a vacation. I also need to learn to let go.

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