Sunday, October 4, 2009

Menu fail

Ok, I'm not hungry. I went ahead and cooked but now I have a whole dish full of rolls I am not going to eat. I am trying to get it to cool off a little and I guess I will throw it in the fridge and see if I am hungry tomorrow. I have a feeling I won't be.

Having a major setback here. I should be reading a book for class that I should have had done 2 weeks ago. I just can't get into it. I have other things on my mind. I try to read and my mind wanders. I have to shake something I had buried a while ago. Sure, burying something will not make it go away but at least you don't have to deal with it. I think that is what I am doing with dating. I don't want to date. I have no desire to date. My heart was broken harder than it ever has been. For the first time, I was with someone I pictured a life with. Someone who treated me better than I deserved and someone who I saw a future with. Circumstance took that away. Now I don't want to have that happen again. Also, before I met him, I faced rejection after rejection after rejection. A year's worth to be precise. Hell, the guy I was with before him, was dating someone probably a good 2 months before we split and even before that, I faced every day knowing I wasn't want he wanted...I was the get by girl.

Now I am still dealing with the after effects of the relationship and life that has been going on. I have the happy weight on, my face is a wreck from stress and hormones. Add on to that, I am so scared of getting hurt that I take no pride in how I look. It is easier to be the girl who fades into the background, who doesn't put herself out there. This is how I deal with not getting hurt.

Now after two months, he is dating again. And I am here alone. Sure, I know what every self help book and every friend would say..buck up and just get out there. Nope, easier for me to just build the wall back up, bury the shit, be tough, and blend in.

Yes folks, this is the mother of all pity parties. This is how I put on the face day after day. All I can say is thank goodness I have my SoCal trip coming up. Seems to be the trip I am always on when getting over someone. I get to deal with my emotions for a few days,then get thrown into a work conference with 100 people I can't stand. Yea me!!!

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