Monday, January 18, 2010

What makes the dysfunctional functional or more about me.

You know those little boxes where you are asked to describe yourself or write about yourself?  Well they scare the holy terror out of me.  Not because I have so much to say about myself and a little box just doesn’t do it justice.  More because I have no idea what to say about myself; dare I say I had no idea who I was?

It felt like for the better part of my life, I was trying to find myself while I was living in a world where everyone knew who they were and what they wanted.  Thinking that only made me more clueless and thinking that I should have a definitive statement on who I was.  Every day without this knowing who I was seemed to make me feel less and less like a valued member of society.

Granted, I didn’t sit in a chair for all this time and ponder this thought.  I had a life to lead, responsibilities to handle, expectations to meet, you know, the things that we fill our days with.  In my “adult” life, I got married, I got divorced, I had 3 more long term relationships, 3 more not so pretty break ups, lost 2 amazing grand parents, had 5 jobs, 3 change of addresses, 4 cars, 2 cats, and 1 dog.  I smoked, stopped, started, stopped, started, stopped, started, and stopped. I went from 115 pounds to close to 200 and then lost some, gained some, lost some again.   I went from wondering how I was going to make rent to feeling like I could buy anything I wanted to wondering if I had saved enough for the rainy day fund everyone talks about.  You could say I lived life and took care of what I needed to do.

A funny thing happened in this living life.  All the time I was bemoaning myself for not knowing who I was, I was finding myself.  I had to realize that the person I was might not be who everyone else was and that was ok.

In a nutshell I am a contradiction.  I honestly think more people are contradictions than they lead you to believe.

I love music.  It makes me happy.  I love creating music and I love listening to it. I like classical, jazz, classic rock, oldies, 80’s hair bands, 90’s grunge and alternative, some current harder rock and alternative, some 90’s country, selected soul.  I do not like rap, hip-hop, techno, teeny bopper music, main stream hits of today, fake rock of today. I like going to the symphony but I am scared to go alone so I rarely go.  I keep telling myself to just go and one day soon I hope to get up the courage to do it. One of the best dates I ever had was when someone took me to the symphony as a treat.

I like photography.  I like to take pictures but not of people, especially people I know.  I prefer to take pictures of nature and objects.  I like the use of shadow and color.  I like to look at pictures that make me feel calm and relaxed.  As much as I like pictures, I have none in my house.  None of me, none that I have taken, I have nothing.  I blame it on being lazy and scared to put anything up.

While on the lazy and scared thing, I have to say I am extremely lazy and let my fears get in the way of doing a lot.   I am not really sure it is pure lazy as opposed to being scared to start something and not being able to do it perfect.  Yes, I am a lazy scared perfectionist.  That is a hard combination to be.  I am trying to lose all of them but mostly the scared part. My fears keep me out of a lot of things.  I am scared I am going to make a fool of myself and everyone will look down on me.  I am scared I will say the wrong thing and everyone remembers, I am scared I will make people unhappy or mad, I am scared no one likes me, I am scared of what people think.  I also have a tendency to remember everything stupid, wrong, bad, or embarrassing that I do and I relive it over and over in my head.  I am scared probably more of me replaying things and feeling bad as I am of what other people think. 

I like to cook.  I can get lost in cooking and making up new recipes.  I have a hard time cooking when it is just me but I am learning to freeze and reuse.  Baking is something I am not as good at but I am trying.  I usually only really bake in the winter months however I might try to find some lighter baking things for the summer months.  I also try to cook without the use of processed sugars.  Not as easy as it seems but very well worth it.

I hate to shop but love clothes and accessories.  Probably more it is the money and weight thing than anything for why I don’t like to shop.  But, I am learning to enjoy it more, it just costs me money because I have learned the value of timeless pieces even if they cost. I loathe places like TJ Maxx and Marshalls.  I honestly don’t like Macys that much either.  Stores that feel crowded overwhelm me and it is too much.  If I have to do major shopping, which I do about twice a year, I always use personal shoppers.  It is just easier for me.

Why is it easier for me?  For the same reason you NEVER see a picture of me taken of anything below the collar bone.  I am a lot too well endowed and it really frustrates me.  I am so ready to get rid of them I just have to figure out how insurance will pay for it.  Let’s put it this way, I am not overweight, I am 5’8”, I wear a size 14 which I feel is completely normal.  I wear a 38G.  It bites.  It makes me feel fatter than I am and I think it is all anyone looks at. 

I am not athletic and have never been.  Hand to eye coordination with me does not exist.  You have seen the shows of the spaz who has a ball thrown at him and then after it hits him, he puts his hands up to catch it, that’s me.  I am really trying to be better.  I push myself out of my comfort zone to try new things that involve some athletic ability.  I am more excited about getting into running.  I have tried and had a few missteps but this time it feels better.

I am sure this “About Me” post is a work in progress just like I feel we are all works in progress who evolve all the time.  At least this is start of trying to explain myself and who I am. 

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