Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Have NO More to Give

That's it, I'm done, finished, I quit.  It's 2pm here and my brain just walked out the door on vacation.   It is protesting the water I am drinking and craving a cold adult beverage. 

My BS tolerance is gone as well.  I am usually so good about not lashing out at people who annoy me and just do it privately to myself.  That was a big. fat. fail today. Thank goodness I have a friend who lets me vent over IM during the day and never holds it over me and joins in every now and then. 

I must keep telling myself that in less than 24 hours, I will be heading out to 4 days of fun, friends, no evil Facebook, no email, no fake conversations and good times.  I can do it...just 3 more hours.

I know part of my issue is I know I am going to be facing some crazy hurdles when I get back not just at work but in my personal life and I need to be 100% for that or else I am going to slip up.  Now if I can stop thinking of them and start thinking about enjoying myself and relaxing.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Seriously, Again?

I was all set to do my workout this weekend, get back on the fit train and get things around here on track.


All week I have been ignoring the crud that has settled into my head and chest.  A combination of allergies to the normal things around here, the new stuff being blown in with the wind, and the smoke coming in from the fires west of the area.

So the smart person I am, decided on my day of on Friday to mow the lawn.  I figured it couldn't get any worse right?  WRONG.

By last night I was down for the count.  I woke up today at about 7:30, felt like I was run over, and then back to sleep till 11.  Then I transferred to the couch and slept till about 3:30.  I finally got up and realized I need food in the house and the stores are close tomorrow.

Me, sick as a dog and a grocery store full of people acting like the store closed for a say was an apocalyptic sign.  Add onto that the fact that I can't talk.  I mean I can, but I sound like a chain-smoking trucker.  Of course, I get the bag boy who loves to talk and ask questions.  I am usually very polite to him but today it took everything I had to not be mean and tell him to quit talking because I can't respond.  

How come every time I am sick, I crave junk food?  Comfort food really I guess.  I bought a rotisserie  chicken, BBQ sauce, mac and cheese, and sweet potato fries.  Bring on the carb-fest!!  Now, will I have enough energy to actually cook it?

I am hoping I can quit coughing, the fever breaks and feel somewhat better so that I can go to Easter services. I am bummed that I won't be able to go see my parents tomorrow afternoon too.  I just don't want to risk getting sicker or getting them sick since I really don't know what this stuff is.  I just won't want to be the reason anyone else gets sick.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Turn Around

Things are starting to get a little better. Of course I am so scared to say that but I am going to tempt fate a little.

3 more days of work and then "vacation".  Which consists of 4 days of music, family, and being away from the stress here.  I am a little nervous because it is a new place, new experience, and new people but if I don't have a good time then I can come home and have a few days off.  It's a win/win no matter how you play it.

When I get back, I have to throw myself into work so I can get the raise that has been floating around.  I also have to start really committing to the working out again.  It is so hard to work out when your mind is off in the gray zone; what I call the depressed state. But I have to just buck up and get on with it.  Chalk up the loses and move on.

Speaking of loses, there have been some lately.  I don't speak bad of anyone first because it isn't right and second, because speaking bad of someone gives them more power because to speak you have to think.  However, I can say that please don't take things at face value.  If you want to know something, don't assume you know, just ask.  We all know what assuming does. All things happen for a reason.

I did get to talk to my favorite ex-husband this week.  I hadn't gotten an email in a few weeks and of course I was worried. I think it comes with the territory when someone you love is in the middle of a sand box.  It helped the mood a lot.  Of course I would never tell him that!

Well, I am going to finish watching NCIS and get to sleep.  Busy day tomorrow and then three days off full of working out, a little shopping, family, and church.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Writer's block!!

I always have a ton to write but lately, I get in front of the computer and I go blank.

-I finally just decided to start working out hard again even though I couldn't breathe due to my allergies.  It felt so good to push myself again! Now I get to foam roll these knots out of my legs.  I really need a good deep tissue massage.  I do still have my spafinder gift card so I might check into it next week.

-I am actually going out tomorrow night!  First time in two months.  We have a family friend who has a horse running at opening weekend at the track so I am heading out there.  There is also a concert afterwards that a few of my friends will be at so I am going to hang around for that.

-The saga of the new house continues.  I need to call the HOA tomorrow to see if I get a new gate.  Right now I feel stuck in the house since I can't go out and even wash the car because there are construction guys all around.  Oh well, soon it will be over.

-The job hunt is going.  I finally told my boss what was up and hopefully my time there will be a little better.  BUT, I decided I am not going to stop looking.  It is time for a change.

-I miss DC.  I think if I can find a way to swing it, I am going to head back either in the fall or next spring.  I am back in my mood of wanting to move up there.  Heck, I am in a mood to just move anywhere new.

-Yep, I am in a mood to just start over.  I pretty much am though.  Just the sights are the same.

-Uh oh, I am seeing lightening out in the back.  It might be a camera night.

Ok, off to iron my clothes for tomorrow night and watch a little more West Wing.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Time to Turn That Frown Upside Down

It has been an emotional past two days.

I had planned to do something fun this weekend that cost money but I realized I had none extra to spend I cancelled.  :(

After realizing I had nothing extra to spend, the radiator in my car gave up the ghost. :(  Thankfully, I caught it before it left me stranded and thankfully I was at the parental unit's house when it was discovered.  Thankfully, my father took pity and is doing it free of charge. :)

I had the one project I was looking forward to taken from me today by someone who complained about their pay and wanted a raise.  Now she has my job and the raise that I was to get for doing it. :( Guess being an adult at work didn't pay off; being a little kid, packing your stuff and stomping around did pay off. :(

My allergies came back and I had to cancel the gym today because of this low grade fever I seem to keep running. :(

The concrete truck from the construction next door just blocked my driveway and I was going to go run errands when I finished this post. :(

BUT!!! I have learned some lessons, I created a plan and I am off to the races (not literally, remember I have no money!)

I learned that there is a reason for everything.  Sometimes the things you feel like you are fighting to hold on to aren't worth holding on to.

You can let it get you down for a little bit and have a pity party for yourself, but it won't solve the problems.  The longer you enjoy that party, the worse things get while you are away. Play the victim enough and soon you become the victim.

So tonight, I am going to medicate this fever away and ignore it.  I am going to get this messy house cleaned up.  I am going to set small goals for myself each day.  The goals will be written out so I can get all happy to check them off.  I am going to work my allotted hours at work (32 based on what I should be paid versus what I am paid) and then spend the remaining time job hunting.  I am not going to sell myself short to get out of a bad situation just to find myself in a worse one.  I am going to rejoice at saving money and not going farther in the whole.  I am going to pat myself on the back for still making saving a priority and saving even a little during all of this. I am not going to take my lot in life out of others around me. I am going to count my losses, put them away and move on with my life.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Good Saturday Mojo

Woke up this morning in a completely better mood!  It would have been even better had the construction crew next door not started work at 7am but whatever.

I have made my menu plan and grocery list for next week already.  I am still amazed that I actually do have a stocked pantry so the cost stays down.  All I need to get is a few cuts of meat that I don't keep on hand, some fresh veggies and fruit, and milk.  Other than that, I'm set!

Now it is on to getting cleaned up and ready for the day, then off to get new running shoes!  Yes, I am excited about new running shoes.  It's the simple things folks, the simple things. Then it is to the grocery store and back home.

I am seriously considering going pedestrian to the gym. It is 2.3 miles one way.  I know the getting there won't be an issue but the return might be hard since I am going to do my weight workout. But really, what else pressing do I have to do today?

Off I go to conquer this beautiful, sunny day.  Wish me luck!

Friday, April 1, 2011

The Blahs

I promised when I resurrected this blog that posts wouldn't get down but I guess in order to have a true look at my life I have to acknowledge the bad as well as the good. Not that today has all been bad but right now, there is an overall sense of the blah hitting.  Thank goodness it is almost bedtime.

Part of this blah is that I couldn't go work out today.  Oh, it could have been done but the smart thing was to rest the legs and go tomorrow.  So the clock will be set and I will be up early and to the gym.  I have already given myself the OK to go back to sleep when I finish.  Because today was a rest day, I didn't quite have the sense of accomplishment that I normally do.  It is amazing how much that hour a day improves the mood until you don't do it.

I am missing some of my old friends; the ones who have moved away and I only communicate with through sporadic Facebook posts.  The ones who are doing the same things as me.  I would love a gym buddy who goes to work out with me.  Someone who wants to go for hikes, take pictures with, and just be a part of my life.  Someone who gets who I truly am. More importantly, someone who shares my values and beliefs.

That leads me to the good of the day.  I have been following Kelly's Korner for almost two years now.  I find so many of her posts inspirational and uplifting. When I see a new post in my Reader, it is always the first one I go to.  Last night, she posted a Show Us Your Life post and highlighted churches.  While I know my blog is not on her daily reader and I haven't made a comment of substance on her blog , I felt like her post was speaking to me.  To quote her post , "I just want to encourage you SOOOOO much - if you don't go to church or don't go regularly - FIND somewhere you feel comfortable and go! If you are single - trust me - I know how hard it is to go alone - but GO!" Hearing her talk about her church and writing that line and reading all of the other stories of people who posted; reading about the friendships and the joy made me renew my effort to go.  

I am scared to go to be honest.  I haven't stepped foot in a church on a regular basis is well, being honest, forever.  However, my fondest memories of my childhood are going to church with my grandparents and going to VBS and learning about Jesus and God.  My best memories of my grandma are her playing piano at church and in the house and singing hymns.  Every time I hear "I'll Fly Away" I smile and tear up and think of her.  Fact, it is on my iPod and lately it is in regular rotation on a daily basis just to comfort me.

When I got engaged, I truly wanted to be the family that went to church.  We found an amazing church and got married there and I wanted to make that our church home.  He on the other hand would never go with me and I chickened and didn't want to go alone.  Who wants to be the newlywed who goes to church alone? When we got divorced (and it was NOT a pleasant split), I think I got a little down and resentful and just didn't understand it and turned my back.  

As the years have gone on, I found myself wanting that life again.  Now at 34, I fear that I am going to go to church and won't know anyone and be in a stage of my life where most people there are not at.  I assume in my brain, that most people my age are married with children and I will feel yet again out of place.  I will admit that what I want most more than anything is to feel like I belong! 

Let me just say, this desire to belong is STRONG.  At work, I feel that I don't fit in.  I don't particularly enjoy what I do, I am the youngest, the only single one with no kids.  I know I have preconceived notions of these people and that is wrong but it isn't somewhere I enjoy being. All of my friends are married and planning children or have them.  I have nothing I can really relate to with them.  And the biggest reason I feel I don't belong is (I am so ashamed to admit this one!) that my beliefs and values don't match with theirs.  I keep my faith and my desire to grow my faith hidden. I don't defend being a Christian to them. I hear them talk so negatively on religion that I don't want to have to defend something I believe fully but don't have the knowledge to adequately represent.  I remember when I told the X file (the last relationship) about my wish to go to church he laughed at me and said I was crazy.  If I hadn't had the warning signs before then, that one was THE red flag.

I feel good when I am alone, at the gym, out in nature, enjoying sunsets, hills, flowers, animals, and peaceful settings.  But I want to find somewhere to go one day of the week where I feel like I truly belong and I am around people who want to help me grow in my faith.  

Reading that post at just this time gave me the courage to go and the belief that there is a place out there for me. 

Ideas for a Weekend

I did not blog last night because after I got finished with doing 32 flights of stairs up (also did the down but never count those), mowing both the front and back yard, and 30 minutes on the elliptical machine at the gym, once I got home and landed on the couch, I literally could not will my legs to move. Seeing that the laptop was across the living room on the ottoman it just wasn't going to happen. 

One of my friends said I was becoming crazy with the working out.  She definitely meant it in a good way because she is just like me in that regard, even worse as she is training for her first marathon.  I have to admit, I think I am.  Who else would be working through the pain and going back to the stairs today.  The only thing I think I am not going to do is the gym tonight.  Instead, I think I am going to just go for a little stroll around the neighborhood.  Which will probably resutl in a full on 45 minute run but hey, at least I tried to go easy.

Trying to decide what to do for the weekend is always fun when you have no spare cash.  If I spend anything I have to be able to justify it.  I do know I am going to have to go get some new running shoes. I have a Groupon to my running store so the cost won't be as much.  And I honestly think that is some of my knee issues going on.  The shoes are worn out and need replacing.

Of course there are also the have to do things: menu planning, wash clothes, and clean house.  I would also like to work on my flowerbed outside and get it cleaned up.  I might go to the nusery and see how much plants and new mulch cost.  It doesn't mean I will get them, but it never hurts to have a price in mind to start saving for. 

Other than those boring things, I have no plans except for to enjoy the weekend and try and relax a little....oh and be the crazy workout lady.