Friday, April 1, 2011

The Blahs

I promised when I resurrected this blog that posts wouldn't get down but I guess in order to have a true look at my life I have to acknowledge the bad as well as the good. Not that today has all been bad but right now, there is an overall sense of the blah hitting.  Thank goodness it is almost bedtime.

Part of this blah is that I couldn't go work out today.  Oh, it could have been done but the smart thing was to rest the legs and go tomorrow.  So the clock will be set and I will be up early and to the gym.  I have already given myself the OK to go back to sleep when I finish.  Because today was a rest day, I didn't quite have the sense of accomplishment that I normally do.  It is amazing how much that hour a day improves the mood until you don't do it.

I am missing some of my old friends; the ones who have moved away and I only communicate with through sporadic Facebook posts.  The ones who are doing the same things as me.  I would love a gym buddy who goes to work out with me.  Someone who wants to go for hikes, take pictures with, and just be a part of my life.  Someone who gets who I truly am. More importantly, someone who shares my values and beliefs.

That leads me to the good of the day.  I have been following Kelly's Korner for almost two years now.  I find so many of her posts inspirational and uplifting. When I see a new post in my Reader, it is always the first one I go to.  Last night, she posted a Show Us Your Life post and highlighted churches.  While I know my blog is not on her daily reader and I haven't made a comment of substance on her blog , I felt like her post was speaking to me.  To quote her post , "I just want to encourage you SOOOOO much - if you don't go to church or don't go regularly - FIND somewhere you feel comfortable and go! If you are single - trust me - I know how hard it is to go alone - but GO!" Hearing her talk about her church and writing that line and reading all of the other stories of people who posted; reading about the friendships and the joy made me renew my effort to go.  

I am scared to go to be honest.  I haven't stepped foot in a church on a regular basis is well, being honest, forever.  However, my fondest memories of my childhood are going to church with my grandparents and going to VBS and learning about Jesus and God.  My best memories of my grandma are her playing piano at church and in the house and singing hymns.  Every time I hear "I'll Fly Away" I smile and tear up and think of her.  Fact, it is on my iPod and lately it is in regular rotation on a daily basis just to comfort me.

When I got engaged, I truly wanted to be the family that went to church.  We found an amazing church and got married there and I wanted to make that our church home.  He on the other hand would never go with me and I chickened and didn't want to go alone.  Who wants to be the newlywed who goes to church alone? When we got divorced (and it was NOT a pleasant split), I think I got a little down and resentful and just didn't understand it and turned my back.  

As the years have gone on, I found myself wanting that life again.  Now at 34, I fear that I am going to go to church and won't know anyone and be in a stage of my life where most people there are not at.  I assume in my brain, that most people my age are married with children and I will feel yet again out of place.  I will admit that what I want most more than anything is to feel like I belong! 

Let me just say, this desire to belong is STRONG.  At work, I feel that I don't fit in.  I don't particularly enjoy what I do, I am the youngest, the only single one with no kids.  I know I have preconceived notions of these people and that is wrong but it isn't somewhere I enjoy being. All of my friends are married and planning children or have them.  I have nothing I can really relate to with them.  And the biggest reason I feel I don't belong is (I am so ashamed to admit this one!) that my beliefs and values don't match with theirs.  I keep my faith and my desire to grow my faith hidden. I don't defend being a Christian to them. I hear them talk so negatively on religion that I don't want to have to defend something I believe fully but don't have the knowledge to adequately represent.  I remember when I told the X file (the last relationship) about my wish to go to church he laughed at me and said I was crazy.  If I hadn't had the warning signs before then, that one was THE red flag.

I feel good when I am alone, at the gym, out in nature, enjoying sunsets, hills, flowers, animals, and peaceful settings.  But I want to find somewhere to go one day of the week where I feel like I truly belong and I am around people who want to help me grow in my faith.  

Reading that post at just this time gave me the courage to go and the belief that there is a place out there for me. 

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